Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Baby in the Sky

 I haven't blogged in a long time ... partly because the past month has been busy and a lot of fun, and partly because it has been sad and difficult.

  On Friday, September 16, I took a pregnancy test and found out, much to my delight, that it was positive! Since I work on Fridays I left for the office like I normally do, and then during a break between clients I ran to Target, picked up a shirt for Liam, and came home to let my little buddy help me tell Josh the good news.

Josh and I were both shocked and excited - it had taken quite a while to get pregnant with Liam, but God blessed us with this little life much more quickly than we had expected. Over the weekend we had the chance to tell our families the happy news, but when I woke up the morning of Monday, the 19th, something seemed a little off. The pregnancy symptoms that had already been very apparent to me for about a week had suddenly subsided. Just a few hours later it became obvious that God had already taken this new life back to Himself and that I was miscarrying.

I was only about 4 weeks along, so nothing was even visible yet on an ultrasound and my body recovered very quickly ... by the end of the week I felt as if I had never even been pregnant. While it was a mercy that the miscarriage happened early on, Josh and I were both so sad that we won't be able to hold and cuddle and know this little one the way we do Liam. Even though there was certainly no way to know the baby's gender, we had both hoped it might be a little brother for Liam; so Josh suggested that we give the baby the name Samuel, because Samuel was only with his parents for a little while before he went to live in the temple. Josh's name suggestion fit perfectly with the Scripture that I had been meditating on during the days I was miscarrying: "Blessed is the one you choose and bring near, to dwell in your courts!" (Psalm 65:4a) It comforted my heart so much to think about God creating a life and then allowing it to bypass the pain and trials of this world ... a little life He chose to bring near, to dwell in His courts. What a blessed one.

 Another major source of comfort during that particularly difficult week was my sweet Liam. Ever since Liam was a newborn I have been burdened to pray that he would have a compassionate heart. I think God has let me  know that compassion is an important part of how my little man will show the love of Jesus to the world, so I pray daily that the Holy Spirit will develop that trait in Him. In the 16 months I had spent praying these prayers for him, it never occurred to me that at some point I might be the recipient of his compassion. All week long Liam loved on me far more than he ever has before. He was generous with his precious kisses and at night, when I would rock him, he would stroke and pat my arms. It was such a gift to be comforted by my child.

 The Sunday after the miscarriage, Josh, Liam & I went down to one of our favorite spots to take walks, next to a nearby creek, to say goodbye to little Samuel and to read his verse. It was a sweet time of closure for our family, and I'm so thankful we took the time to celebrate this gift that we barely even knew we had.

More kisses from my sweetie during Samuel's goodbye

I don't know what the Lord has in store for our family in the future, but I am so thankful for the two children He has given us already: the one we marvel over as we watch him grow, and the one we look forward to meeting someday. In the meantime, we trust Him and our hearts are filled every time we go on a walk and Liam points to the sky and says, "baby, baby" (which he has taken to doing lately, completely unprompted by either Josh or me).


Joy said...

Oh sweet Stef...thank you so much for sharing your heartache and loss with us...the Lord's beauty and glory shine through your words, and I too am grateful for the way He has comforted you (and used your precious Liam to help comfort you). Love to the Lawsons.

Melissa said...

this was so beautifully written stefanie!! i LOVED the part of naming him Samuel - so perfect. Thanks for sharing!! :)