A Year Ago

At this moment, a year ago, I was in my 11th hour of laying in the hospital bed at Mercy, awaiting my son's arrival. I had been on pitocin and an epidural since midnight, my water had been broken at about 8:30 am, and I was just waiting.

I did not know the last drops of fluid were draining out of my epidural bag ... no one else did, either; but boy, was I about to know!

I did not know that within half an hour I would be dilated to a 9 and would suddenly have to go about an hour without pain medication.

I did not know I would have to push for two hours because my son has a Charlie Brown head and I do not have massive hips.

I did not know that during those two hours I would ponder things like Eve's stupidity, Michelle Duggar's insanity, or my new-found desire for a one-child family (which was short-lived, by the way).

I did not know that lots of water retention prior to giving birth + pushing with all my might for two hours = puffy face, swollen beyond recognition. Those sweet pictures of somewhat tired yet beautifully make-upped & hairstyled mamas laying in the hospital bed cuddling their new little one moments after birth? Yeah, that was not me. I may have threatened people's lives in an effort to keep them from taking/posting any pictures of me that first day.

I did not know that breastfeeding would be a long, exhausting journey that would take WAY more hours for WAY less outcome than I could have imagined.

I did not know that my little boy would have the most beautiful big, blue eyes, or that he would have sunshine for hair.

I did not know that he would be the funniest little person to his daddy and I, or that he would be notorious for hilarious facial expressions.

I did not know I would love the smell of his baby breath in the morning and after naps when I take his pacifier out, or that I would be so excited every time I go to get him out of his crib - even in the middle of the night.

I did not know I would feel so desperate for God: that my son would see Him in me, that He would give me wisdom in parenting, that He would help me to not be a hypocrite, etc.

I did not know that toothy grins & belly laughs would mean more to me than the degrees & licenses I've worked so hard for.

I did not know I could love so much.

Here's to one year of parenting and ALL the things I have yet to know.